Mother. That was always my answer when someone asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up. I wanted to be a wife and a mother. When my husband and I married in 2012 our friends were taking bets on how long it would be until we were pregnant. I wanted to start our family right away but my husband had different plans. He wanted to wait a year. A YEAR! David wanted us to enjoy our first year of marriage just the the two of us before bringing little ones into the world. I struggled with that decision but agreed.
After a year of waiting, we began the process of trying to conceive naturally. Every month for two straight years, I would pray and pray and pray that THIS would be the month we conceived. Unfortunately, every month I would get my period and be devastated. We would order a Papa John’s cheese pizza, dwell in sadness for the night and then find the strength to try again. Finally in August of 2015, one day before my 23rd birthday we found out we were expecting! We could not have been happier!
David and my mom joined me for my first doctor’s appointment. I took a test at the office that confirmed pregnancy. I was then sent for a scan to see how far along I was. Unfortunately the only thing we could see on the screen was an empty sac. The nurse was quiet and my heart sank. A doctor came into the room and told us that it could be too early for detection or I could have a blighted ovum. (A blighted ovum occurs when the early embryo stops developing, is resorbed and leaves an empty gestational sac.) I knew it wasn’t too early to tell because my dates were clear and from the research I did prior to this first appointment, we should have seen a fetus.
I spent the next two weeks praying that everything would be okay, that the baby would grow and we would see something at my next appointment. We were devastated to find out that our sweet little poppy seed, who I had wanted my whole life had stopped growing at 6 weeks 4 days. I was told I would need a DNC to clear everything from my body. After hearing that I went to another doctor for a second opinion. I wanted to make sure I did everything in my power to save this pregnancy. The second opinion only confirmed the first. Surgery was scheduled, I went in a mother and came out feeling empty in more ways then one. David and I decided to take the rest of 2015 to heal both physically and emotionally.
At the beginning of 2016 we moved forward with our journey to become parents. We spent the entire year trying, being heartbroken every month and eating even more Papa John’s cheese pizza. In 2017 we took the next step and asked for help. My wonderful OBGYN prescribed clomid which is an oral medication that can be used to stimulate ovulation. I took it, tracked my cycle and it worked, I was pregnant again after just one month on fertility medication! We were happy, scared and full of so much hope for the future!
This time I didn’t even make it to my first doctor’s appointment before I started to miscarry naturally. I spent Mother’s Day 2017 at home miscarrying our second baby. It felt like God was playing a cruel joke on me. This time around I wasn’t sad, I was pissed. I was so mad! I was mad at God, I was mad at my body, I was mad at other women who were “accidentally” getting pregnant. I was determined to continue trying. I WAS GOING TO HAVE A BABY!
A few months later my OBGYN sent me to IVF of Florida. We were greeted by wonderful women who made me feel supported and heard. My husband and I decided to try an IUI (intrauterine insemination.) The process was emotionally and physically draining. At the end of all the medication, cycle tracking, trigger shot and insemination, my period started. To say I was upset would be a huge understatement.
This time, I couldn’t find the strength to continue trying. I told my doctor that I wasn’t ready to try again and that I would call and set up another IUI the following month. That was a phone call I never made.
I spent the remainder of 2017 thinking, reflecting and praying. In all of that reflection, I finally decided to listen to what God was telling me from the beginning. I could no longer avoid the signs. Foster care. It was time for us to become foster parents.
