“Happy Mother’s Day”

My nail tech wished me a happy Mother’s Day and it made me pause. It was the first time I heard someone say “happy Mother’s Day” without wanting to cringe. It’s the first Mother’s Day I get to hold a sweet little one in my arms while still holding two in my heart.

It’s the first Mother’s Day that I don’t feel like crawling into bed and shutting off the world. However, I’m still scared to celebrate. I’m scared because the title of “mom” could potentially be ripped away from me in the future. Who knows what God has in store for me. This could be my one and only Mother’s Day. I try so hard to be positive but somedays I could just cry thinking of “what if.” I also set my expectations high when it comes to celebrating special moments. What if this Mother’s Day doesn’t live up to my expectations. What if I wake up feeling so much sorrow and grief instead of happiness.

So many emotions. It’s all too much really. I hope I’m not the only one who overthinks these things. Who puts so much thought into a day that hasn’t even happened yet. Who stresses and worries about how she’ll feel and how others will receive all of those emotions.

It’s all okay, it will all be okay. The day will come and it will go and it will be what it will be.

This Mother’s Day, no matter what my emotions are I will take time to love on bubba. Have time just the two of us, to cuddle, play and pray for his future. I will reflect on the past few years, take pause for the miscarriage I had on Mother Day’s in 2017 and the previous miscarriage I had in the fall of 2015. Nothing makes you appreciate life and love quiet like loss and grief does.

If you’ve suffered loss, YOU ARE A MOTHER and I see you and celebrate you.