When our foster son was placed with us at four and a half months old I was an absolute wreck. I was scared I made the wrong decision by bringing him into our home. I was terrified to love a child that I would potentially have to hand back. The first week he was with us I cried everyday. I cried over his past and the situation that led him to foster care and I cried over his present because he was in a home and with a family he didn’t know. Through tears I prayed that God would have his hand on bubba’s situation and He would provide the best outcome for his future.
When I received a call that his biological mom would start visitations I was a ball of nerves. Would he be safe? Would the case manager do a good job supervising? Should I sit in the parking lot and wait? I had already started loving this child and wanted the best for him.
Even though I loved him from the moment I laid my eyes on him, I had a wall up. I would constantly tell myself that if he went back to his biological mother I would be okay. I would go back to the life I had before children like it was nothing. I would have freedom to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. I could have dinner with friends without having to worry about bedtime. I could go to the gym first thing in the morning without having to worry about childcare. But all of those thoughts were my way of building a wall around my heart so that I wouldn’t emotionally shatter in the future.
Here’s the truth. I will shatter, no matter how large the wall is. I will shatter if the child I have loved as my own for over a year is removed from my home. But that’s okay.
Building a wall isn’t good for me and it isn’t good for the little boy God brought into my life. The last thing he needs is a wall around my heart. He needs me to love him unconditionally, he needs me to teach him, to cuddle him, to laugh and play with him. We never know what the outcome will be for any child placed in our care. The only thing we can do is show them an honest, true, loving relationship that will hopefully stick with them throughout their life. What if the time we have with these children is the only time they will ever feel loved? What if it’s the only time they will be taught about God and His love for them? I want those moments, those hugs and kisses to be memories that will last a lifetime. I want every child who enters our home to know that they have a place in this world where they are seen, heard and loved. Where they are safe and always welcomed.
I let my wall down so that one day my heart may shatter but in the process a child’s heart can grow. That’s worth it to me. I vow to love recklessly always, even when it hurts.
“Foster care is choosing the pain of a great loss if it means a child has received the gain of a great love.”
Want to read more about foster care? I think you’ll enjoy this post!
